Odd Job: Part 1

Before the lights go down — recommended music:

“God” by John LennonDarkness. The stage is empty, except for a table and four chairs. There is a book and a phone on the table. One chair is at the table; three are away from it, in a row. Eventually, two spotlights come up on two positions on the catwalk — opposite one another across the stage. No actors are visible, but their voices are heard. GOD’s spotlight comes up slowly as his voice is first heard; the same with SATAN.

GOD: Whence comest thou?Pause while the lights come up.

SATAN: From going to and fro in the earth … and up and down in it.

A light comes up on the stage, revealing JOB sitting in a chair at the table, reading a large book. Perhaps the book is “Beyond Good and Evil.’Perhaps it is ‘The Yale Shakespeare.’ (The playwright’s choice is the ‘Commodore 64 User’s Manual,’ but this may not always be available.)

GOD: Hast thou considered my servant Job? JOB begins looking around nervously, as if making sure he is alone.

GOD: That there is none like him in the earth … a perfect and upright man…JOB, convinced he is alone, starts to pick his nose.

GOD: One that feareth God and escheweth … escheweth … hmm.JOB returns to reading.

GOD: Yes … (resuming declaratory toneand escheweth evil?Long pause.

SATAN: Doth Job fear God for naught? … Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? … Thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land.Dramatic pause. JOB, below, picks up the phone and begins talking silently.

SATAN: But put for thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.Dramatic pause, again.

GOD: Are you serious?

SATAN: Hell yes.

Long pause.

GOD: (somewhat troubled by this oneBehold, all that he hath is in thy power … only upon himself put not forth thine hand.GOD’s spotlight slowly fades.

SATAN: I love my job…

SATAN’s spotlight fades, and the lights come up full on JOB below, who hangs up the phone. His WIFE enters.

WIFE: Aren’t vacations wonderful?

JOB: (crossing arms, grumpy) No.

WIFE: Come on. Wouldn’t you rather be here? On vacation, in a five-star hotel in Babylon, in a gorgeous room, with a gorgeous woman?

JOB: I’d rather eat myself.

WIFE: Job!

JOB: Okay, okay. It’s nice. But I’m worried about being away from the office. What if … what if something goes wrong? What if there’s an office emergency? What if the Canaanites attack and seize the office and kill everyone and start making personal long-distance phone calls?

WIFE: Job! Relax. That’s an order.

JOB: Yes, ma’am. (pause) But what if…

WIFE: But nothing. Relax. The office can get along without you for a few days. Until Monday, I get you. Repeat after me. I will relax.

JOB: (resignedly) I will relax.

WIFE: I deserve a rest.

JOB: I deserve a rest.

WIFE: This is time to spend with my family.

JOB: This is time to spend with my family.

WIFE: These are not the droids you’re looking for.

JOB: What?

WIFE: Never mind. Listen to me. You deserve a vacation. Everything is fine. With all the work you’ve done … (as if reading off a list) you’ve built a successful company. You’ve helped charities. You’ve helped your friends. You’ve helped strangers. You helped me raise our children. You’ve done everything anyone could. You deserve some time off.

JOB: I know … but what if something goes wrong? The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away … although not nearly as much as capital gains tax does. Just because you’re lucky now doesn’t mean you’ll always be lucky. The point is, everything in life is all on loan, somehow. What if everything just … goes away?

WIFE: It won’t. Because you deserve it.

JOB: I don’t deserve anything.

WIFE: Yes you do. You are … (bring JOB close, earnestly) the most wonderful person I have ever known. If there is any reason to this world … then you deserve to be happy, for all you’ve done. And now … you can spend some time … with the people who love you. WIFE kisses JOB briefly but passionately. He is entranced. She speaks to him, rather coquettishly.

WIFE: Go get Room Service and order a bottle of champagne.

JOB: (in total Aroused Guy Mode — he’d clean the windows with his tongue if she asked him now) Okay.JOB leaves the room. Wife sits down at the desk in front of the table. The phone rings.

WIFE: Hello?

WIFE carries on a mock conversation.

WIFE: Oh, hello. Yes, your father and I are having a good time.

WIFE pauses for conversation on the other line from line to line as indicated.

WIFE: Sure, he’s still fixated on work. But I think he’s getting over it. How are you? 

WIFE: Oh. Well, next time, don’t stick your tongue in the toaster, honey. And how are your brothers and sisters?

WIFE: Well, maybe his boss is calling him in because he’s doing such a good job.

WIFE: Well, there are a lot of different ways you could interpret the phrase “Talentless fat sack of shit.” What about Rebecca?

WIFE: Well, I’m sure there’s also a lot of ways to interpret the phrase “I’ve got herpes.” And Jeremiah?

WIFE: Oh, dear … well … a ‘bullfrog?’ Maybe it’s just some fraternity pledging thing. How about Moses?

WIFE: Hmm … graduated with an English major? (pause, slightly dejected) I guess he’ll be moving back in with us.

WIFE: Well, I’m glad the rest of you are getting together for dinner next week. Job and I will call you then. I love you all. ‘Bye.JOB returns, flustered.

JOB: I tried to order champagne, but all they had was something called ‘Zima.’

WIFE: What is it?

JOB: I’m not sure, but all I can tell so far is it ‘zucks.’

WIFE: It doesn’t matter.

JOB: Why?

WIFE: Because.

WIFE kisses JOB passionately. Then a knock comes at the door.

WIFE: Room service?

MESSENGER: Land shark.

JOB: What?

MESSENGER: Sorry. I mean, I’ve got a message for Mr. and Mrs. Job.

JOB: I’m sorry, but we’re on vacation. Can’t it wait?

MESSENGER: Wait for what?

JOB: (turning to WIFE, calculating) Umm … thirteen minutes.

MESSENGER: I’m afraid it can’t.

JOB, alarmed, opens a pretend door.

JOB: What is it?

MESSENGER: Well, I have some bad news.

WIFE: How bad is it?

MESSENGER: (thinks) Did you see ‘Michael’ with John Travolta?

JOB: My God … what is it?

MESSENGER: Well … they say you should use humor to lighten a situation like this. Knock knock.

WIFE: (reluctant) Who’s there?

MESSENGER: Ivan.

JOB: Ivan who?

MESSENGER: Ivan to tell you your house blew up.

JOB and WIFE are stunned.

MESSENGER: And your factory. Everything you owned. Everything except your living room table and the telephone … which look remarkably like these ones. (pause, looks at audience, winks) Freak accident involving explosive toothpaste. Everything’s gone. All your wealth … all your property … everything you owned. (suddenly seriousAnd only I am escaped alone to tell thee.

WIFE: No…

The phone rings. Everyone looks at it anxiously, hopefully. The MESSENGER moves carefully to get it. He picks it up.

MESSENGER: Hello? (pause) You don’t say. … You don’t say. … You don’t say!JOB and WIFE look anxiously, hoping that it is good news.

MESSENGER: Okay, ‘bye.

JOB: What was it?

MESSENGER: He didn’t say. (beat) Look, I’m sorry about all this stuff. Sucks to be you, if you know what I mean. But remember the words of divine guidance from the third book of Ecclesiastes. “And Nimrod begat Shurboz, who begat Vortex, who begat Velcro, who begat Nerf-Ball.”JOB and WIFE look at each other, then the messenger.

MESSENGER: Well, I guess that isn’t real appropriate. Oh well. Buh-bye.

MESSENGER exits. JOB and WIFE look at one another, in shock, and JOB silentlly sinks to his knees. The phone rings. JOB and WIFE stare cautiously at one another, then WIFE moves to get to the phone. She picks it up.

WIFE: Hello?

WIFE listens intently, then dejectedly.

WIFE: It’s … It’s a telemarketer from MCI Long-Distance.

JOB: (falls on his knees, screams) Oh, GOD! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?

WIFE: Can he you call back?

WIFE hangs up. She and JOB, calmer now, look at each other for a while.

WIFE: How could this happen? … What if God is trying to punish me?

JOB: You? For what?

WIFE: I don’t know … (desperate, grasping for a reason) Well … sometimes I wish other people were dead, so I could have their parking spot.

JOB: No, no… 

WIFE: Maybe … maybe this is some horrible twist of luck in the lottery of life.

JOB: No, it’s not. Life is life. The lottery is a tax on stupid people. 

WIFE: Well, then why did this happen?

JOB: I don’t know. It must have been God’s will.

WIFE: How could God let this happen?

JOB: It’s not his fault.

WIFE: But we’ve been good people. Job … no … you. You’re the most perfect person I’ve ever known. If anyone in this world deserves goodness … you do. I just don’t understand why now … this … happened. Why? 

JOB: Perhaps God will give us a sign.

Expectant pause. DANCER bursts in, in outlandish robes and some silly hat. Music is piped over the loudspeakers as he sings. He dances in embarrasing Myra-esque style.

DANCER: (sings) We’re Pharisees!

We’re Pharisees!

We’re really really really tough on heresies!

We’re gonna get you, Jesus

‘Cause you don’t please us,

You make us mad, you really really cheese us!

Dancing should actually get more embarrassing now, for the finale.

You don’t mess with the Pharisees!

We’re mean like great big bear-isees!

If you blaspheme

Then we’re the team

And you’re the one we’re really gonna cream!

We’re Phaaaaaa-riiiiiii-seeeeeeeeeees! Yeah!DANCER ends, panting, on his knees, arms outstretched, between an incredulous JOB and WIFE. He pauses, gets his bearings, then looks around.

DANCER: Are these the auditions for “Jesus Christ, Superstar?”

WIFE: No. That’s next door.

DANCER: Oh. (starts to leave, then) Are there any songs in this one?

JOB: No.

DANCER: Oh. Sorry.

DANCER leaves. WIFE walks to the other side of the stage, then turns when JOB begins speaking.

JOB: We’ve just got to keep going on. If it’s God’s will, then I’m sure it’s all for the best. I mean … you know … it could be worse.

WIFE: How?

JOB: (surprised, reprimanding her) You could have died! I could have died! Our children could have died! (starting to grasp for things) We could have cancer! We could have really, really bad itches! We could have itchy cancer! We … we could have to get braces! We could have itchy braces that cause cancer!

The point is …. So we lost our things … we’re still alive. And we still have each other. A lot of people never even have that much. Just because you have something doesn’t mean the world owes it to you. We’ll just start over. (pause) Will you stay with me?WIFE hesitates, then acquiesces lovingly but painfully.

WIFE: Of course. You know I will. But I still don’t believe it. Or understand.

JOB: I don’t either. But we can beat it. Together. (pause) Come here.

WIFE: Why?

JOB: Because.

WIFE: Because why?

JOB: Just because.WIFE comes over to JOB. They embrace, he kisses her forehead, and the lights slowly fade down on them as a spotlight comes up on, revealed for the first time, SATAN onstage.

SATAN: Hi. I’m Satan! I thought this would be a good place to introduce myself. I’m a woman of wealth and taste.

You know, I’m not really as totally evil as people think. This is just my gig. 

I did a cameo as a Roman emperor … I was one of Napoleon’s generals … I was a programmer at Microsoft. Now I mainly come up with new TV game shows.

As for the personal stuff, I’m (insert height). I’m two billion years old, but people say I look younger. I enjoy candle-lit dinners, long walks on the beach, giving out parking tickets and blowing things up. My big turn-offs are hairy guys and holy water.

Sure I invented the grapeshot cannon charge, poison gas, and those faucets that you can only operate with one hand at a time. But the point is that I’m not totally remote and evil, like the phone company, for example.

do have feelings. A lot more than God. I’m more human than He is. For example, I feel really sorry for this sucker.JOB and WIFE enter the stage, looking around, surveying the damage.

JOB: So this is home.

WIFE: Or what’s left of it.

JOB: But…

WIFE: I know, I know, dammit. “It could be worse.”JOB is hurt by her tone, and scared of her mood. She wanders off.

JOB: Where are you going?

WIFE: To look for something left. Anything.

JOB: Well … this table and the phone are left.

WIFE: I hate that damn table.

WIFE leaves the stage. SATAN begins to walk toward JOB.

SATAN: Hey, Job!

JOB: Who are you?

SATAN: Job, buddy! Don’t you recognize me?

JOB: Are you an angel?

SATAN: No.

JOB: Did we go to high school together?

SATAN: Nope. I’m the Princess of Darkness, the Fallen Angel, the Destroyer of Worlds!

JOB: You’re George Steinbrenner?

SATAN: No.

JOB: Are you ‘The Fonz?’

SATAN: No, jerkface. I’m Satan.

JOB: Oh. Funny … you don’t look like Satan.

SATAN: Well, the horns and tail are during office hours. This is casual wear.

JOB: Hmm. Actually … I’d always imagined you as being a lot like God … except with a very bad attitude problem.

Continue to Part Two

Odd Job: Production Notes

Setting

Technically, it’s in the Palesinian desert in 2,000 B. C.. However, the styles of dress and speech are mixed between then and the modern day. 

The setting is written for a small stage, with the audience very close. Whether it is performed on a thrust or proscenium stage is unimportant, as long as there is a space for the actors to change costumes and collect props, out of view of the audience. The play is written with catwalks (for the beginning and end scenes) above the audience in mind, but they are not essential, and raised platforms may be substituted.

The required elements for the set are minimal; the set can be left very bare, or it can be embellished in whatever way the director and set designer see fit. You can have an angel come crashing through the ceiling at the end with a flaming book, but I don’t recommend it.Set & Property Notes

The central feature of the stage should be a table/desk with four legs and a drawer. One of the table legs is a pull-away, with a string attached. Inside the drawer is a Zippo lighter and a cigarette pack containing one “cigarette” which is actually just rolled flash paper. On top of the desk are a phone and a Bible. Four chairs surround the table; one near it, and three further away. No further set pieces are necessary.

As for props: a sturdy briefcase is needed, and books for Job and Zophar at various times,(see script) a flash paper cigarette, a lighter, an envelope with a blank piece of paper, a microphone, and a can of that string stuff (to be used as vomit). A smoke machine is helpful but not necessary.Cast Notes

Two men, and two women; except for Job, each playing multiple roles.

This play is written for young actors (and with a young audience in mind), but more or less any ages can play. However, the play contains small parts which children under two may choke on, so please keep it out of their reach.

In casting, my only advice is to look for comedic talent above other considerations. However, looks count — a Satan that looks like Roseanne Barr and a 5’ 2″ God sort of defeat many of the jokes of the play.

Other Pretentious Notes From the Author

There should be a definite difference — the audience should always be able to tell — between the lines written for this play, and when the characters speak the lines from the Bible. In the script, lines from the Bible are in boldface type. However, I’m too drunk to figure out what the difference should be in performance, so the director can figure that out. Go nuts.

I’m afraid that I’ve made the play hard to do right — “right” requiring to get all of the nuances and philosophical musings across, and still getting laughs. If you have to sacrifice one or the other — I’d keep the laughs and then advise the audience to go to church at the end.

The play is filled with pop-culture references. If these are “not hip anymore,” or (more likely) just “not very funny in the first place,” the director may insert whatever appropriate revisions he or she wishes, to best play to the audience.

So now I’ve written the play on my Macintosh and printed it out. My work is done. If you, the director and performers need to cut stuff, rearrange it or whatever (although hopefully not too much), go do it. You’re the poor suckers who have to perform it, and if I’ve written something you don’t feel comfortable doing or saying, work around it. When all is said and done, acting is about actors, and their directors.

So take this and make it work. I owe ya one.

Odd Job: Dramatis Personae

The Primary Characters:

JOB – Our Hero. Job is average-looking man, dressed in modern fashion, and is the story’s Everyman. Even though he’s kind of a dork, he’s essentially a good guy at heart. He should have sort of a Jimmy-Stewart-in-It’s-A-Wonderful-Life quality to him.

GOD – played by a man, anyway, and totally remote, awe-inspiring and somewhat dull. God is always impressive, and he should have the sort of voice to make those biblical passages sound pretty damn serious. Whether he wears robes or a Brooks Brothers suit is up to you. Then again, as the saying goes, “Malt does more than Milton can/ To justify the ways of God to man.”

WIFE – Job’s wife, and the one in the marriage with all the common sense. She’s the pragmatic, emotional, humanistic counterpart to Job’s principled, dogmatic faithfulness. She should be reasonably pretty, dress in modern fashion, and have a likeable, if sometimes sarcastic, persona.

SATAN – played by a woman, anyway, and— as in Milton — probably the most fun character in the play. She should be attractive, dress very nicely — and perhaps seductively — and seem like she’s always having a good time. She should probably smoke. Of the two major theological beings, God is the one you want doing your taxes, and Satan is the one you want to go out drinking with.The Comforters:

ZOPHAR (played by the actress playing WIFE) – A psychiatrist. She expounds the theory that God does not exist. 

ELIPHAZ (played by the actress playing SATAN) – A rabbi with a comical Yiddish accent. She expounds the theory that Job must have done something wrong somehow to explain his punishment.

BILDAD (played by the actor playing GOD) – A lawyer. He expounds the theory that God is wrong and should be sued for damages.The Deus ex Machina Sort:

MESSENGER (played by the actress playing SATAN) – The messenger appears twice, each time in slightly different garb, to announce bad news to Job and his wife. The messenger should probably steal the scene — think of Groucho Marx riding up to you on a bicycle and handing you a telegram.

INTERN (played by the actress playing SATAN) – The intern is God’s representative, and takes prayer messages for Him while He’s in a meeting. As a semi-deity, she is not as remote as God, but still has a bit of attitude to her. A nice business suit is fine for her.

DANCER (played by the actor playing GOD) – Dressed in a wild lampoon of biblical garb, the dancer (looking slightly different each time) frequently bursts in, singing bits of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and Jesus Christ, Superstar. The other characters should be as mean as possible to him.

DR. REINHOLD NEIBUHR (played by the actress playing WIFE) — Actually, a very respected German Protestant theologian, who had some very important theories that I can’t recall at the moment.

BART LARDBALL (played by the actor playing GOD) – A shabby-looking wino with a propensity to vomit.

MELCHIOR (played by the actress playing WIFE) – A demon with dumb-looking horns and a tail. Not real bright. The Ones Barely Worth Paying Attention To:

STAGEHAND: Calls a line out to Bildad towards the end; is never seen onstage.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS #1 and #2: They sit in the audience until their time comes … since they’ll have to watch the play every night, you may have to pay these people.

VOLUNTEER: Called out of the audience for Satan’s game show at the end. This should be a real, live sucker from the crowd; but if you feel you can make it funnier with a “plant,” go right ahead. I won’t stop you.

Odd Job: Author’s Notes

There really aren’t any. I just wanted to sound pretentious.

Oh, well, if I’m at it, there are three important texts that this is drawn from, and you probably ought to read them if you’re doing this play.

First is the biblical Book of Job, preferably the Standard King James edition. It’ll give you the idea of the story, and it’s written in beautiful language, probably the best in the Bible. Job is one of the least-understood and most-overlooked parts of the Old Testament, even though everybody knows the story. It’s worth a little time.

Second is the play J.B., by Archibald MacLeish. It’s a serious, existential modern retelling of the story of Job, and it’s absolutely incredible theater. It’s where I borrowed (“ripped off”) the idea for this. It points out a lot of things about the story you never would have noticed before, and it gives a perfect idea of the grandeur and theatricality this play should conjure up in its (few) serious moments. Required reading, even if you skip the original biblical version.

Third is the one-act play God, by Woody Allen. This probably ought to be your guide for the mixed feelings of comedic irreverence and philosophical confusion that the comedic part strives for. Plus it’s totally hilarious. It can be found as part of the Woody Allen book Without Feathers. As a side note, Job can find plenty of acting cues in Woody Allen’s roles in Bananas and Love and Death.

I would like to thank all of the people who helped me and influenced me with this, but I really can’t see why I should.

Odd Job: A Marginally Comic Play in One Act

Odd Job was the first play I ever wrote, in 1996, at the behest of Emily Compton. I had just performed in a play in which the author had been at nearly every rehearsal and made a tremendous nuisance of himself, so I deliberately wrote the script to the play to minimize the author’s influence on how the director and cast would stage the play. As a result, Jen Nittoso and the rest of the bunch did a better job than I ever could have hoped for. They put all the songs to the tunes of “Jesus Christ, Superstar” which I had never seen and had no clue about, and it just turned out that the “songs” I wrote worked out that way and were hilarious to people who had seen the show.

I re-read this play recently, and I’m embarrassed by some of the cheesier jokes, but I still think it holds up well (even if some of the gags are oriented towards University of Richmond students at the time). To some extent, it exemplifies what I like out of comedic plays: an aim at solid comedy, with enough of a message to make you think about it between laughs. I’m very proud of it, and especially of the job (no pun intended) that the cast and crew did on it.

If you’re ever interested in performing this play, let me know. The script is available for free, and I’m not much more expensive.

The Players and Crew

Odd Jobwas first presented on March 20, 1997, at the George M. Modlin Center for the Fine Arts at the University of Richmond, with the following cast:

Job . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Daniel F. Stackhouse

Job’s Wife (Zophar, Dr. Neibuhr, Melchior . . . . . . . . . . . . Blaike Rainie

God (Bildad, Bart Lardball, Dancer) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Parker Otwell Roe

Satan (Eliphaz, Messenger, Intern) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sarah Bruns Fox

Directed by Jennifer Nittoso

Scene Design by Amy Hills

Lighting Design by Katie Porter

Sound Design by Katherine J. Dunn

Costume Design by Crystal Cheatham

Tune In, Turn On, Watch “Baywatch”

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl

The Richmond State, or at least the closest I could find to it
The Richmond State, April 12 1996

The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for it in all of the Googles, which is a link to the Library of Congress where you can find which libraries have copies on microfiche. At the time, Paul Caputo and I thought this was our ticket to comedy stardom. We were exceptionally stupid.

Hi. We are Jeff and Paul. At least our parents didn’t name us “Pongo” or “Mad.”

Not long ago, in this very “newspaper,” we published a column about the Richmond news media (which, due to typographical errors, included  Channel 8). Like all of our best work, it contained biting political and social commentary, and repeated references to the word “ass.”  The column earned these wacky comments from cheerful WRVA morning personality Tim “Tim” Timberlake:

“It seems we’ve been mentioned here in the … is this a newspaper? Oh, ha ha, how funny. Incidentally, you’ve blown it now, haven’t you, you filth-ridden vermin? Are you listening Jeff and Paul?! WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS, YOU WILL NEVER BE ON THE RADIO IN THIS TOWN FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE! Let’s take a caller.”

Or something.

In fact, this controversial column provoked a flood of similar responses from “many” of our “readers.” 

“Hey,” NewsChannel 6 Anchor Charles Fishburne did not say, “Why don’t you punks write something about cable television and leave us the Hell alone?”

That gave us an idea: “Let’s have PIZZA for dinner again!” But it also gave us another idea:

Jeff and Paul’s Guide to Cable TV

DIVISION I: The Basics

USA Network

Motto:Where Old Canceled Sitcoms Go to Die

Format: Every bad TV show you can think of, plus excellent live theater (“WWF Monday Nite RAW!”)

Best Feature: (tie) 18-hour “Knight Rider” marathons keep derelicts (Paul) off the street./When Judge Wapner bit the head off a live plaintiff on camera.

Worst Feature: When Judge Wapner’s bowels are acting up and he gives people the death sentence.

Trivia Fact: It not only insults your intelligence, but slaps it upside the head, too.

The Weather Channel

Motto: One Step Up From Static!

Format: A wide variety of topical programs concerning important political and social issues, ranging from rainy weather to sunny weather

Best Feature: Vital up-to-the-minute barometric pressure readings from Boise, Idaho.

Worst Feature: Hey! It’s weather! Just look out the window, for God’s sake.

Trivia Fact: Temperatures in the 70s do not actually turn an entire state orange.

BET (Black Entertainment Television)

Motto:When You Just Can’t Get Enough Rap Videos

Format: Surprisingly, rap videos

Best Feature: No danger of seeing “Mama’s Family” at any time

Worst Feature: You won’t believe this, but it gets kinda old after a while.

Trivia Fact: Counterpart channel “NET” (Norwegian Entertainment Television) failed due to lack of rap videos about fjords or people named “Ingemar.”

VH-1 (Video Hits One)

Motto:White Entertainment Television

Format: Imagine Lite 98 with pictures.

Best Feature: (tie) Cool Cheesy ‘80s videos they got out of the attic at MTV/Keeps Mariah Carey off welfare

Worst Feature: Has been known to cause dizziness, stomach cramps and mild comas.

Trivia Fact: Originally intended as a “Baby Boomer” counterpart to the “younger, hipper” MTV, it is now used as an industrial-strength sedative, while MTV is used to entertain mutants and rabid farm animals.

MTV (Music Television)

Motto:Cretin Central

Format: Irritating game shows, cheese-ridden pseudo-dramas, “Beavis and Butthead,” and info-mercials, plus up to three bad music videos per day.

Best Feature: “The Great Cornholio” episode of “Beavis and Butthead”

Worst Feature: Is basically just total crap.

Trivia Fact: If someone identifies himself as an avid MTV watcher, it is socially acceptable to punch him in the face.

The Discovery Channel

Motto:Must-Ignore TV

Format: Alternating footage of sharks eating divers and World War II planes dropping bombs on buildings.

Best Feature: When they drop bombs on sharks.

Worst Feature: Jacques Cousteau thinks he’s so much cooler than everyone else.
Trivia Fact: Come see Jeff in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” this weekend at the University of Richmond theater! Mention at the box office that you saw this notice in The Richmond State, and they will punch you in the face.

Trivia Fact II: Sometimes you can see Paul walking around in the background of Channel 12 newsroom live shots.

Trivia Fact III: The fastest land mammal is the cheetah.

Trivia Fact IV: The fattest land mammal is Rush Limbaugh.

C-SPAN

Motto:We DARE You to Watch!”

Format: Pulse-pounding, rivetingly incomprehensible legislative session coverage

Best Feature: Wacky skits all the congressmen perform in drag between bills

Worst Feature: They only rarely air old episodes of “What’s Happening.”
Trivia Fact: Dwayne from “What’s Happening” was really kind of a dork.

E! (Entertainment Television)

Motto: (tie) “E!-rritating!” or ”AIIIEEEEE!”

Format: No one really cares.

Best Feature: “Talk Soup” is used as a nationwide indicator of stupidity.

Worst Feature: Howard Stern is just really ugly.
Trivia Fact: The exclamation point in “E!” is pronounced “Prince.”

ESPN (Entertainment Sports Programming Network)

Motto: “CNN With Excess Testosterone

Format: All sports, all the time, except when they show golf

Best Feature: The SportsCenter anchors make having a rotten attitude seem cool.

Worst Feature: Occasionally shows New York Mets games, under the title “The Parade of Shame and Wasted Lives.”
Trivia Fact: In September of 1983, a woman watched ESPN.

ESPN2 “The Deuce”

Motto: If You’re Watching This, You’re Pathetic”

Format: 24-hour coverage of second-rate sports, like “underwater skateboarding,” “beach bowling,” “wheelchair rugby” and “professional ice hockey.”

Best Feature: They’ve got to be hiring.

Worst Feature: Try as we might, we can’t get them to cover our annual Richmond State Whiffle Ball Tournament.
Trivia Fact: No one has ever actually seen ESPN2.

CNN Headline News

Motto: Enough News to Choke a Horse

Format: 24 hours a day – news from Really Ugly People

Best Feature: If you close your eyes and crumple newspapers, you can pretend you’re listening to WRVA.

Worst Feature: Not enough skin.
Trivia Fact: It’s the only news service to run syndicated repeats of old broadcasts.

QVC (Quality Value Convenience) Shopping Network

Motto:Like Shopping, but More Irritating!”

Format: Kind of a cross between the Wheel of Fortune and BLAB TV

Best Feature: It makes you realize there are many worthwhile, valuable things you could do instead of watching TV.

Worst Feature: You’ll watch it anyway.
Trivia Fact: The modern consumer could do 100 percent of his daily shopping from home, provided all he ever needed were Diamanoid rings the size of golf balls and Cubic Zirconia coat hangers.

TBS (Turner Broadcasting System)

Motto: Look, Jane, I own a TV station!”

Format: The Atlanta Braves and other minions of Satan, like “Matlock.”

Best Feature: Jane Fonda used to wear just a leotard to Atlanta Braves games.

Worst Feature: Jane Fonda still wears just a leotard to Atlanta Braves games
Trivia Fact: Paul hates the Braves more than he does any other group of human beings this side of the KKK and the phone company.

DIVISION II: Pay Stations

Cinemax

Motto:Breasts Ahoy!

Format: Breasts

Best Feature: Large breasts

Worst Feature: Small breasts

Trivia Fact: May not be suitable for children under 17 who don’t like breasts.

Trivia Fact II: We’ll be back watching this channel, once our girflfriends refuse to talk to us for a week after reading all these “breast” gags.

HBO (Home Box Office)

Motto: You Were Just Too Lazy to Go to the Video Store, Weren’t You?

Format: Good movies twice a month; “Ernest Goes to Hell” six times a day.

Best Feature: Thank GOD you didn’t pay to see these movies in a theater.

Worst Feature: You’re still paying an extra $5 a month to see these movies on cable.

Trivia Fact: Nobody has understood a single word said on “Russell Simmons’ Def Comedy Jam” in over three years.

Pay-Per-View

Motto: Calling All Idiots!

Format: Movies two months before they show up on HBO, plus specials like (True Fact!) “David Hasselhoff and Friends,” featuring Marla Maples and David singing.

Best Feature: Provides the pleasant illusion of being in a cheap hotel somewhere.

Worst Feature: You may miss that Mike Tyson fight you paid $40 for if you sneeze.

Trivia Fact: “Rosebud” was Citizen Kane’s sled.

© 1996 Puff Carpluto

Sports Preview-ish “Thingy”

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl

The Richmond State, or at least the closest I could find to it
The Richmond State, April 4 1996

The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for it in all of the Googles, which is a link to the Library of Congress where you can find which libraries have copies on microfiche. At the time, Paul Caputo and I thought this was our ticket to comedy stardom. We were exceptionally stupid.

Hi. We are Jeff and Paul. We’re throwing out our balls on opening day! Umm … that didn’t sound too good.

If someone asked you about the biggest problems facing the City of Richmond (motto: “No Parking!”), you, being sensible, would say “Men who drink Zima” (motto: “It Zucks!”). But that’s not what we are here to talk about; indeed, you psychos, we’re not “there,” and neither of us is talking.

What we are writing about is the lack of quality sports in this Godforsaken town. The Richmond sports situation is worse than radio station 104.7 “The BUZZ” (motto: “Like Chewing Razors, But You Listen to It”). Why are there no die-hard legions of courageous, yet somehow mentally deficient Richmond fans lining up for tickets in the snow? Most other cities have them. Why aren’t the names of Richmond’s sports teams, whatever they are, a topic of regular discussion among the local hoi-polloi (that’s you)? Sports teams are worshipped in other cities (“Visit the Temple of the Toronto Raptors!”). And it’s no use blaming it all on the fact that recent statistics show that everyone in Richmond has been murdered three times. There’s something wrong here. And it’s all for one simple reason.

What is that reason? 

We have NO damn idea.

We decided to investigate or something. The result: more than 75% of Richmond professional players, coaches and managers we interviewed believed that The Richmond State was either “just west of North Carolina” or “a kind of fish.” 

For those of you who are exceptionally stupid or work for TV news or both, Richmond has no major-league professional sports team. What we do have, idiots, are minor-league teams, which, if you have been to an actual city, you know is like being 39 cents shy of the proverbial Value Meal, if you know what we mean. If you do know what we mean, please write to us and explain it, c/o this newspaper.

To this end, we, Jeff and Paul (motto: “Not Funny!”), recently attended the Richmond Braves’ “Media” Day. (They make us put “media” in quotes because Channel 8 has passes, too.) We then left after we realized that there was no free food.

Now, while baseball is the greatest facet of American culture this side of “V: The Final Battle” or reruns of “Schoolhouse Rock” and, in Richmond, it is the closest thing we have to major league sports (The Renegades don’t count because they play hockey.) (C’mon. Hockey?), our first real exposure to the world of sports in Richmond revealed a disturbing fact: That “Ukrops” spelled backwards is the satanic riddle “Spork! U?” 

No! That’s not it. What we discovered was this: We still haven’t seen those free baseball caps NewsChannel 6 said they were mailing us. No! Dammit! That’s not it either. What we actually discovered was this: that all our minor-league teams are actually kinda pretty good. To wit:

The Richmond Braves: Go R-Braves! Woooo Hoo! The “R-Braves,” as they are called,(to distinguish them from the “Their-Braves,”) are Richmond’s number one sports team, since they are first alphabetically. The Braves are also our favorite Richmond sports team and not just because we have season press passes. No way. It’s because we have season press passes and free parking passes. This, in our opinions, makes the R-Braves the GREATEST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE.

The Braves have won every single game they have ever played over the course of their 30-year history, with the unfortunate exception of several hundred games that they lost because the umpires were Nun-abusing Homosexual Communists and almost certainly had serious personal hygiene problems.

While we were at the Braves’ media day last week, we interviewed cumulatively almost one person each, who filled us in on some important information we will need to cover the Braves this year:

PAUL: So, um, do you guys like baseball? You know?

TALL GUY WITH A NUMBER ON HIS SHIRT: Hey! You write for The Richmond State? Is Pongo Twistleton here?

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice:

JEFF: I thought there was going to be free food here.

BIG GUY WITH “SECURITY” ON HIS SHIRT: Get out.

Coincidentally, you can find weekly coverage of the Braves (True Fact!) every Thursday this summer right here in the State.

Richmond Kickers: Okay. These are grown men playing soccer. Frankly, it looks ridiculous. 

The Kickers, whose name derives from the latin, kickvs, meaning “guys who can run a lot” and er, meaning “but can’t catch worth a dead rat’s ass,” are one of Richmond’s most successful teams, in that they have won a lot of championships. Of course, in whatever the Hell league it is they play in, every time you win a game, you apparently win a championship. Last year the Kickers won their league championship, the Professional League Championship, the Tournament of Champions Championship and “Final Jeopardy,” all in one game. By the end of the season, they had won the Virginia Cup, the Newberry and Caldecott Awards, the Nobel Prize, and two of them were named “Miss America.” 

We look forward this season to the Kickers to win six Pulitzers, an Academy Award for “Best Foreign Documentary,” and the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes.

Richmond Renegades: Those of you who follow our column on a regular basis should remember this number: 1-900-GET-HELP. Also, you should remember the column we wrote about our visit to “The Freezer” several weeks ago for a Renegades game. Incidentally, we take this opportunity to point out that the wounds are healing nicely, and 

Paul is getting used to not having a nose anymore. We would like to ask that whichever exuberant fan ate Jeff’s car’s bumper to please return it.

If you missed our Renegades column, you can find back issues of the State in your local Christian Science Reading Room, or gutter.

Virginia Commonwealth University: The VCU “Rams” (motto: “Our athletes aren’t nearly as freakish as the rest of our students!”) fielded an excellent basketball team this year. Which was a shame because you don’t play basketball on a field.

VUU/VSU: Both of these schools actually exist, we’re told. At any rate, their sports teams can’t be nearly as bad as the University of Richmond’s.

University of Richmond: U of R’s big sports teams, contrary to popular belief, aren’t half bad this year. 

They’re ALL bad. The UR basketball team (motto: “We may lose badly, but we have a beautiful 300-acre wooded campus with a scenic lake and tranquil atmosphere!”) finished its 1995-96 season with a record of 3-271, placing it last in the CAA, and two rankings below the Goochland Girls Scouts.

U of R proudly boasts several talented athletes, all of whom transferred just last week, leaving the school with only (True Fact!) a nationally ranked Synchronized Swimming Team, a gaggle of male cheerleaders (“The Spiderettes”) and a very masculine campus newspaper intramural “Hardyball” team.

The U of R football team has a long, fine tradition of running up the middle and getting sacked for six-yard losses. That’s it.

U of R, it turns out, is actually the only purveyor of sports in the city that does suck.

Perhaps that’s what is missing. Part of the reason, say, Chicago’s sports fans are so dedicated is the knowledge that they can share the Cubs getting pummeled by visiting Jehovah’s Witnesses softball teams with their children, and their grandchildren. So we need teams that suck …. etc.

The Richmond Valued Customers (NFL): Owned by Ukrop’s, (motto: “Jesus Wants You to Buy This Cole Slaw”) the RVCs would have attractive green uniforms, refuse to play games on Sunday afternoons because they should all be at their “house of worship,” and try to get other teams to move out of cities where Howard Stern is broadcast. Their secret weapon would be to scatter delicious Ukrop’s Potato Wedges™ all over the field as decoys.

They Aren’t Paying Us Enough to Be Funny

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl

The Richmond State, or at least the closest I could find to it
The Richmond State, March 26 1996

The Richmond State was a plucky upstart alternative newspaper (not that kind of “alternative”) that challenged the editorial might of the stodgy Richmond Times-Dispatch beginning in 1994. It folded in 1997 and left so little of a legacy that there is a grand total of one search result for it in all of the Googles, which is a link to the Library of Congress where you can find which libraries have copies on microfiche. At the time, Paul Caputo and I thought this was our ticket to comedy stardom. We were exceptionally stupid.

Yell-O. We are Jeff and Paul. Aren’t you excited? Well, you DAMN well should be.

Once again, we, Jeff and Paul, investigative journalists, Defenders of Truth, Writers of Crap, Users of Many Commas, are dipping into our ever-brimming Loyal Reader Mail Sack™, if you know what we mean. We sure as Hell don’t. Furthermore, also. Therefore, we are answering a letter from a lucky reader, who is almost certainly not you, because you didn’t write in.

Dear Messrs. Carl and Caputo,

Your payments on the Deluxe Model Foosball Table are now four months overdue. Please kindly pay immediately or a sales representative named “Torg” will visit you soon, and shove a lamp up your asses. Thank you for your prompt attention…

Whoops! Wrong mailbag! That seems to have been the Loyal Angry Creditor Mailbag®. We have found our Loyal Reader Mailbag or Whatever©, and will now answer a letter.

Dear “Jeff” and/or “Paul,”

Remember that column you wrote? The one about the thing? You know? Well, what’s up with that? You know?

Q: Is there any over-the-counter medication I can take which will give me fresh, minty breath and improve my gas mileage?

A: That’s a fine question. Here’s what you do: You walk up to your boss and say, “It was me who stocked the company water cooler with goldfish!” Then stomp on his foot, kick him in the shins and staple his eyelids to his forehead.

He won’t be pinching your ass again. And that’s one to grow on.

Q: Is it true that research has been found, in clinical studies, to cause cancer in laboratory animals?

A: Let’s face it. Even to suggest that Denny’s “Moons Over My Hammy” breakfast meal is even a little bit offensive is just a bit over the top. Even if you are a Ukrop.

Q: Is there any reason that the people responsible for ‘Mentos: the Freshmaker!’ commercials should be allowed to live?

A: Hmm… We’re not sure. Try Pongo Twistleton’s column. By the way, there were no contest winners from last week, so please be sure to mail your entries with the postage stamp on the outside.

Q: Which is worse: Hitler, or people who say ‘nucular’ instead of ‘nuclear?’

A: Our favorite country is Norway. The people there are so short, and yet somehow so large. It might have something to do with all those pastries.

Q: Does Søren Kierkegaard’s existentialist dogma (positing, for the æsthete, that ennui is the demonic pantheism) properly encapsulate man’s will to exist? Or is it all just a bunch of crapola?

A: A little warm milk and a lot of penicillin, and everything will be just fine.

Q: Would you agree that advancements in computer technology have gone straight downhill ever since “Super Challenge Baseball” for Atari 2600?

A: The worst thing is wrong numbers. For example, Jeff’s phone number is very similar to that of the Poison Control Center, so he always gets calls from people whining about “Ohhh, I just drank a quart of Draño!” or whatever. He tells them to: 1. “Have some ‘Wheaties’ and you’ll be all right,” or 2. “Watch ‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective’ to induce vomiting,” then hangs up.

Q: Oh my God! What is that thing on your face?

A: The trick is to hold the ferret firmly in the palm of your hand before jamming into slot 4, as shown in the diagram.

Q: If you had a million dollars to give to any charity organization in the world, would you?

A: Well, it’s your fault for not having a Macintosh in the first place. That’s what we say.

Q: Doesn’t ‘Newt Gingrich’ sound like a name for a Klingon or something?

A: If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a bajillion times: Swallowing tiny bits of Nerf will not cure scurvy or the Clap.

Q: Is there a restroom here I can use?

A: The mighty sequoia, which grows to over three hundred feet in height.

Q: Did you know that if you held your breath for a long time, then someone unexpectedly punched you in the gut, you would either black out or start thinking just like Rush Limbaugh?

A: In 1995 alone, more than 400 cats died in accidents directly related to Dust Busters.

Huge Mouse, Cajun-Style

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl

The Richmond State, or at least the closest I could find to it
The Richmond State, March 20 1996

This column was a combination of our unpaid shilling for Fan restaurant ‘Gumbo Ya-Ya’ with our righteous distaste for Disney’s planned “American History and Indian Massacre Gift Shop.” So we came up with a projected Richmond Disney theme park. We were really hoping that ‘Gumbo Ya-Ya’ would give us free food, but they never did, because they, like the rest of Richmond didn’t read The Richmond State.

Howdy. We are Jeff “Gumbo” Carl and Paul Ca-“Ya-Ya”-puto. We should point out that we would never compromise our journalistic impartiality by endorsing any sort of cajun-style restaurants.

Recently or whatever, the Disney Corporation (motto: “We’d Like You to Forget About ‘Escape From Witch Mountain’”) planned to build a “History-Land” theme-park in Northern Virginia. This would have combined all the creepiness of people dancing around frantically in animal costumes with the skull-crunching dullness of Eighth-Grade American History. 

Many Virginians (motto: “Yee-haw! NASCAR!!!!”) objected vehemently, sometimes in complete sentences, complaining that attractions like the “Thomas Jefferson Mausoleum and Putt-Putt Golf Course” (motto: “Score a hole in one and Tom spins in his grave!”) or the “Jamestown Indian Massacre and Driftwood Sculpture Gift Shop” did not respect history, or crunch skulls with its dullness. Furthermore, it completely ignored the delicious, low-priced lunch entrees at Gumbo Ya-Ya.

Eventually Disney gave up on Northern Virginia and just went and bought Zaire (motto: “Where the Hell are we?”). But they secretly never abandoned their plans for the park, and finally purchased the tract of underdeveloped rural land they needed.

You guessed it. They bought the City of Richmond, (motto: “We’ll Tow Any Car for $49.95!”) and they’re turning the whole city into an amusement park (motto: “Crawfish Are Back!”), which will combine all the excitement of the city’s historical attractions (motto: “We DARE you to visit the Valentine Riverside”) with all the surliness of the wait staff at Euro-Disney (motto: “Içi, ce sucks beaucoup”). 

So who do you think is designing this park?

You guessed it even more. We, Jeff and Paul, are supplementing our meager paychecks from the State (motto: “In exchange for your articles, we will give you many shiny beads and trinkets”) by designing the new Disney Richmond Historical Fun Land.

The park, which will be inexplicably named “Six Flags Over Gumbo Ya-Ya,” will be divided into five parts, all easily accessible by the space-age Powhite Monorail™. It will be free to ride, but will require passengers to pay 35 cents in exact change every half mile. Furthermore, the monorail will occasionally burst into flames for no particular reason. But you don’t need to wait for a monorail to go to Gumbo Ya-Ya, conveniently located on Main Street in the historic Fan district!

The staff, complete with guys walking around in enormous cartoon Leonidas Young costumes, will comprise City of Richmond public school teachers, which means the park will be closed on days when there’s a good game on.

Admission to the park will be free, but city employees will post “Street Cleaning Right Now!” signs in the parking lot and tow everybody’s car and charge them $50. That’s much more than you would pay for some hot ‘n’ spicy shrimp at Gumbo Ya-Ya!

The park’s main attractions are the secret biological experiments in Jurassic Copyright Infringement Land, in which disturbed scientists will genetically engineer radioactive clones of L. Shirley Harvey. Also, we are planning an enormous Tyrannosaurus Rex designed specifically to eat Joynes and Bieber.

The restof the park breaks down (no pun intended) like this:

HISTORY LAND

Like-Real-History-But-If-There-Were-Cartoon-Characters-There Land: This would include some things almost like Actual History, but with their own special Virginian/Disney twist. For instance, in the Civil War re-enactments, the Southerners (the 3rd Artillery Mousketeers Division) win all the battles (their battle cry: “Winn, Dixie!”) and beat up Abraham Lincoln (motto: “My GOD! I just realized how creepy I look!”) and take his lunch money, winning the War of Northern Aggression.

Hall of City Council Members: Full of creepy androids like the Hall of Presidents, but instead of reciting historical speeches, the characters recite where they bought it and who else uses the stuff. If you’re talking about nutritious, hearty food, we bought it at Gumbo Ya-Ya!

Walt Disney’s Wussy Dancing World on Ice: Staffed by the ex-Richmond Renegades, this part of the park will feature figure-skating in frillly skirts and cartoon animals cross-checking each other. It will make heterosexuals, including us, who are not gay — unlike some columnists we could name — extremely uncomfortable.

ADVENTURE LAND

Haunted VCU Freak Show and Body-Piercing Hut: Guaranteed to scare the bejeezus out of youngsters, with lifelike “students” who wear whimsical black costumes and say things like “My band does Frank Zappa covers on kazoo. We’re still waiting for our first gig, but I hear Jonathan Fox wrote a great article about us in the State.” Kids can meet the new VCU mascot, Rolf, the angst-ridden Doberman.

Hookers of Broad Street: Like the “Pirates of the Caribbean,” but with cheap hookers and colorful non-tropical diseases. Coincidentally, Louisiana, which is where Gumbo Ya-Ya food is from, is very near the Caribbean.

Epcot Center: This will feature one lone booth, with Bell Atlantic (motto: “Mr. Carl, Your Bill is Now Three Months Overdue”) demonstrating a futuristic but highly unbelievable reasonably-priced residential phone service.

The James River Log Flume Ride: Joyful flume-riders (motto: “What the Hell is a flume?”) will laugh and play in the water of the mighty James River, which should not be ingested internally and bonds skin instantly.

“FUN” LAND

Richmond Snow Removal Crew Bumper Cars: Children can experience the thrill of their misbegotten lives, riding a two-mile-per-hour snow plow bumper car as it playfully crashes into simulated snowed-in cars in The Fan.

Electrical Parade on Main Street: At the end of each evening, visitors gather on Main Street (motto: “It is On Our Mighty Sidewalks Where You Will Find Gumbo Ya-Ya!”), where Disney puts on its daily whimsical parade, designed by Nazi Psychiatrists™ and Chinese torture specialists to be the single-most annoying event in the history of the universe. All parade floats will be towed if parked between 4 and 6 p.m., and will be made out of delicious jambalaya rice from Gumbo Ya-Ya. Mm-Mmmm Good!

“It’s a NASCAR World”: Modeled after the wildly unpopular “It’s a Small World” feature at Disney World or Land or Whatever™, passengers will sit in miniature NASCAR cars and crash into each other, bursting into flames as they whip around a track surrounded by automated hillbilly pit stop mechanic dolls singing:           

            It’s a world of grease, It’s a world of dirt/

            Our intellect’s in a world of hurt/

            Our cars tend to roll, when we spit out our Skoal/

            We’re in NASCAR after all

Times-Dispatch Office Pavilion: Every day a different five-year-old visitor would be the “Editorial Page Editor For A Day.” Anyone who notices the difference will win $1,000,000, but they will be placed on the payroll of The Richmond State, and should expect to receive their check in late February 2015.

PAUL DiPASQUALE LAND 

Monument Avenue: Automated statues of Arthur Ashe and “Goofy” will play tennis against each other on horseback and only occasionally have disastrous mechanical malfunctions that make them go berzerk and kill everyone in the park. Not to be missed is the mouse-eared Stonewall Jackson, singing “Zippity Doo-Dah,” three times daily.

GUMBO YA-YA VILLAGE

Gumbo Ya-Ya: This will be the best part of the park, if for no other reason that if we keep mentioning their name, they might give us free food.

© Puff Carpluto 1996

Furthermore, Also!

By Paul Caputo and Jeffrey Carl

The Richmond State, or at least the closest I could find to it
The Richmond State, March 17 1996

Our predictions for the 1996 Presidential election, including Lamar Alexander’s blaming of unemployment on “Space Aliens.” While we weren’t technically correct in our prediction that the 1996 election would be won by the cast of “Friends,” we still think they would have won if Chandler hadn’t gone into rehab.

Hello (note change). We are Jeff and Paul. We put the “ech” back in “election.”

In recent weeks, there has been much serious discussion of the big issues facing the nation’s presidential hopefuls. Frankly, that is the kind of claptrap you might read in boring newspapers (like The Richmond Times-Dispatch) or fundamentalist extremist pamphlets (like The Richmond Times-Dispatch).Well, there’s none of that crapola in The Richmond State. Nosiree Bob.

Why?

Because we just got our Crystal (“Magic 8”) Ball out again to predict what was going to happen in the election. This saves you valuable time reading newspapers, when you could have been watching “Punky Brewster.” So go ahead and cancel your subscription to the Times-Dispatch, and send us the money instead. You’ll thank us later. 

Decision ‘96: A Look Ahead

March 14: President Clinton hits the campaign trail for the state primaries. He promises to “tax you bastards back to the Stone Age.” He adds, “Hey! You don’t like it? Vote for someone else. Oops! I’m the only one on the ticket!”

March 18: Lamar Alexander gets back in the race, claiming that “the tiny flowers told me to.”

March 19: Republican Richard Lugar drops out of the race, sparking headlines around the country of “Weather to Remain Cloudy Through Weekend.”

April 4: Bob Dole opts not to attend a debate among Republican hopefuls because he “always chokes during Double Jeopardy.”

April 16: Richard Lugar drops back in the race. An opinion poll reveals that 99% of Americans believe that he is not a real person, but a joke candidate with a silly name, like “Hugh G. Rection.”

May 4: Clinton arrives in Utah for the Democratic primary there and promises “I’ll personally kick the ass of everybody who votes for me. I dare you.”

May 20: Lamar Alexander’s campaign stalls when, in a televised debate, he blames unemployment on “Space Aliens.”

June 1: Malcolm “Steve” Forbes spends an unprecedented $400 gazillion on advertising to annouce that Richard Lugar is dropping out of the race.

June 18: Pat Buchanan, fighting allegations of racism, claims that he has met several black people, and tipped them all very well.

July 2: Clinton, campaigning for the Wyoming state primary, places a random phone call to a Wyoming resident and asks him to “let people know I’m running, okay?”

July 7: Dole’s approval rating slips into negative numbers when he changes his campaign slogan from “The Choice of an Old Rich White Generation” to “Soon I’ll Be Dead.”

July 22: Dole fails to show for yet another Republican debate, saying, “I had to wash my hair.”

August 6: President Clinton takes his campaign to Delaware. “Nice quote-unquote ‘state’ you got here,” he says, adding, “I hope all 12 of you voted for me in your primary last month. But you know what? I really don’t give a dead rat’s ass.”

August 12: In a speech at the Republican national convention in San Diego, Malcom “Steve” Forbes admits that there is just no way for “Steve” to be short for “Malcolm.” Furthermore, he says, “I’m not wearing any pants right now.”

August 13: At the convention, Bob Dole wins the GOP nomination, barely edging out surprise contenders Elizabeth Dole and “Pongo Twistleton.” Dole introduces the GOP’s election slogan: “Dole: Because I’m older and meaner.”

August 14: Buchanan, spurned by the party’s voters but still a good sport about it, announces that “everybody can go bite me.”

August 15: Lamar Alexander, desperate for publicity, announces that “everybody can bite me, too, if they want.” 

August 19: Richard Lugar announces that he may drop out of the race, adding, “and then you’d be sorry!”

August 21: Republican leaders search long and hard for a Vice Presidential candidate to perfectly complement Bob Dole. Unfortunately, Ray Charles turns down the invitation.

August 23: Buchanan is frustrated when, searching for a name for his own new political party, an aide informs him that “Nazi” was taken already.

August 26: At the Democratic convention, Clinton accepts the party’s nomination. His entire acceptance speech: “Oh, big surprise. Yeah, whatever.” Clinton and Gore capture all but three Democratic delegates, who remain steadfast in their support for Jimmy “J. J.” Walker and “Pongo Twistleton.”

September 1: Buchanan, still searching for a party name, rejects “The Cranky White Party;” “It’s My Party and I’ll Run if I Want To;” and “The Citizens for Better Broadcasting.” He eventually settles on the “I Hate People Party.”

September 9: Clinton, realizing that he has an opponent now, attacks Dole’s war record, saying that Dole was wounded in World War II “because he just wasn’t trying hard enough.”

September 15: Dole is hurt when congressional Republicans announce that they are holding out on the “Contract With America” until they receive a signing bonus and a 10% cut in healthcare for the elderly if they bat over .300.

September 16: After Tony Danza, Colin Powell and “Hamburgler” turn down the VP nomination, Republicans announce that they will give it to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who promises to “attend state funerals and kick ass.” 

September 19: Pat Buchanan announces that his running mate will be T-D editor Ross MacKenzie.

September 26: Clinton defends his own war record, saying that he “saw more action at an Arkansas cheerleader convention than Dole did in all of World War II.” Clinton adds that people have been shooting at him a lot lately, but he can still use both his arms, so what’s the big deal?

September 28: A Gallup Poll finds that the biggest concern of voters is the Budget Deficit. However, due to a typo, it appears in reports as the “Budgie Deficit.”

September 29: Clinton calls Robert Gallup and asks, “Budgie?! You mean like a parakeet?!” Gallup, in a further typo, says “Yes.”

September 30: Clinton announces that he will place three parakeets in his cabinet, and appoint a talking parrot as his press chief. However, its only answers to the press will be “Squawk!” and “Polly loves a Sailor.” Later, Dole counterattacks, mentioning that he lost a parakeet in World War II. 

October 3: Al Gore scores big points when he appears on “Seinfeld” as Kramer’s long-lost, more normal twin, “Warren.”

October 10: Reader’s Digest names Clinton advisor James Carville “The Scariest-Looking Sonovabitch in the World.”

October 11: Dole is haunted by his past when it is revealed that he played the evil white guy “Mr. Big” in the movie Shaft. When asked about it, he says “Hush yo’ mouth! I’m talkin’ ‘bout Shaft.”

October 15: Clinton’s polls drop when, in an unguarded moment, he sucks an entire quart of “Miracle Whip” through a straw on national TV.

October 17: Dole is again hurt by his past when it is revealed that he, as a young Senator, played an improper role in the Louisiana Purchase of 1815.

October 24: “Whitewater” comes back to haunt Clinton, as it is revealed that he owned stock in the White Water Company, the largest maker of racially-segregated drinking fountains in the South.

October 28: Hoping that publicity lightning will strike twice, Clinton plays the saxophone on national TV. Unfortunately, it is on a particularly depressing episode of “Homicide: Life on the Streets,” and no one is amused.

November 2: Ross Perot enters the race, saying “Hell, I’m older, meaner and whiter than any of these guys.”

November 3: Dole is hurt when reporters discover that Dole, just out of high school, was an intern for the Spanish Inquisition.

November 4: Clinton is hurt when reporters discover that he really is basically just a big hillbilly.

November 5 (Election Day): In a surprise move, disgruntled voters elect as president the entire cast of “Friends.”

November 9: Richard Lugar drops out of the race.