Month: March 1994

By Jeffrey Carl

It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!

Editor’s Note: Yeah.  Sure.  Whatever.

We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  We also wear big floppy shoes,  and have green scales and three noses.  The point of all this being that we are committed to bringing the valuable Truth to our readers in a timely fashion and all that crap.

This year, the Scholastic Aptitude Test, the SAT taken by you and everybody else in the room except for that guy over there with the blue backpack who snuck in by saying he was an exchange student from Venus, has been revised, with long-form answers and essays.  The Collegian has managed to get some test examples and presents them here as a fun test to see if you could do as well on the new SAT as you did on the old one.  Answers are at the bottom.  Cheating may be reported to the Honor Council.  Number Two pencils only.  Feel free to vomit afterwards.

1994 SKELLASTIC APTITUDE TEST

PART ONE: VOCABULARY

Relationships

1. Fish is to water as golf club is to:

a. course   b. smog monster   c. dung beetle   d. Jason Roop

2. Engine is to train as motor is to:

a. minty-fresh breath   b. Aerosmith Girl   c. automobile   d. small dogs

Antonyms

1. Crunchy

a. superfluous   b. supercalafragilisticexpealadocious   c. antidisestablismentarian   d. bong

2. Excruciating

a. kooky   b. fudge-a-licious   c. ‘Much better than Cats’   d. worse than the last two seasons of ‘Saturday Night Live’

PART TWO: HISTORY

Modern History

1. When Greg wiped out in the surfing competition in Hawaii, it was because

a. he had a small forbidden Tiki doll   b. Marsha had given him bad acid   c. he was troubled over his ‘fling’ with Alice   d. perhaps the Holy Spirit had convicted him of sin

2. When Kimberly’s hair turned green right before the big banquet, it was because

a. Willis and Arnold were trying to poison her   b. she was going ‘punk’ and was about to tell Mr. Drummond about her lover in the Black Panthers   c. she washed her hair in acid rain   d. she was troubled over her ‘fling’ with Mrs. Garrett from ‘Facts of Life’

Ancient History

1. When Lucy and Ethel got the job at the chocolate factory, they got in trouble because

a. it’s just kooky how things work out like that   b. Ethel was distributing Communist propaganda on her lunch break   c. the conveyor was moving too fast   d. Lucy was stoned off her ass

2. When Roadrunner got away, Wile E. Coyote would always

a. break down and cry tears of rage and sorrow   b. write a letter to the editor protesting it   c. fall off a cliff   d. go on a killing spree in McDonald’s

PART THREE: READING COMPREHENSION

Story #1

Lord Baden-Powell formed the Boy Scouts in 1892, wanting to give the youth of England a way to explore the outdoors.  By 1900, more than 6,000 young men had joined the Scouts and were merrily exploring the countryside and occasionally going “wilding.”  American-born Daisy Low met Baden-Powell in 1911 and decided to form the Girl Guides, modeled almost precisely after the Boy Scouts except for not giving out “Putting out a fire by peeing on it” merit badges.

1. Who founded the Boy Scouts?

2. When was the Girl Guides founded?

3. Who founded Pedophiles Anonymous?

4. Who was the last person to hit .400 in the American League?

5. Is it ‘liquor before beer, never fear’ or ‘beer before booze, never lose?’

Story #2

Trevor grabbed Buffy and held her sweaty, firm body against his.  They played tonsil-tag with wild abandon as their bared flesh pressed together.  Her eyes darted wildy as he exposed his pulsating masculinity and she shuddered in delight.  She ripped off his torn “Hulkamania” T-shirt and whispered playfully her desire to share in his man-seed.

1. What were Trevor and Buffy doing?

2. What year was the Boy Scouts founded?

3. What issue of “Penthouse Forum” did this appear in?

4. What time do the liquor stores around here close?

5. Did you know that attaching a $20 bill to this test with a paper clip will get you into college?

PART FOUR: ESSAY

Answer in complete sentences.  Be specific: use specific examples.  Penmanship counts.

Question #1: 90210ax2 + 2001b3xy + 666c6b2x = √867-5309 (Jenny) – 3 shiny bottlecaps

Question #2: What year was the Boy Scouts founded in?

PART FIVE: EXTRA CREDIT

1. Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

ANSWERS:

Look, if you’ve read this far, you’ve got way too much free time.  Get a life.  Answers?  Look, if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.  Suck it up.

By Jeffrey Carl

It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!

Editor’s Note: O, that this too too solid columnist would melt, thaw and resolve himself not to write columns anymore.   

We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.  We’re not sure if anybody actually reads this, but if they did, we would be responsive to them.

Well, actually, I don’t think anybody does read this.  The Collegian gets nasty letters and occasional lawsuit threats for small factual inaccuracies, misspelling of names, and mild criticisms of the Honor Code.  So far, in this column, I have suggested that:

• The Intervarsity Christian Fellowship hold a “fish and loaves” picnic rush event

• Destro, Major Bludd and Cobra Commander were formerly residing in Lora Robins

• Student government presidents should be used for doorstops or paperweights

• The Collegian is actually written by clever trained seals

• “Jail ‘n’ Bail” be changed to a “Turkish Prison Jail ‘n’ Bail”

• The law school be razed to the ground and the earth sown with salt

And I haven’t gotten so much as a small note on pretty stationery saying, “go to Hell.”  All of this leads me to conclude that nobody has really been reading this, or at very best they’re just reading the Over-the-Cliffnotes Cliffs Notes guide they sell in the bookstore.

Well, in that case, what do I have to worry about?  Let me just spin the “Wheel of Offensiveness” I have sitting here by my Macintosh and select this week’s unsuspecting and unreading victim.  And the lucky winner is … student activists.

Now, the activist spirit is a wonderful thing.  But it seems that the choices of what to activate about are so dull and clichéd.  Recycling.  Whoo-doggies is that fascinating.  The environment.  I don’t know about you, but I was considering working for global warming this winter.  Interracial understanding and education.  Nice, but still boring.  All these things are so universally agreeable and warm and fuzzy and boring like National Public Radio after “Car Talk.”  Nothing even as exciting as putting daisies in ROTC gun barrels.

So why don’t people get out for something really useful and exciting? Consider:

• Establishing a campus “Hooked on Phonics” club

• Standing on Boatwright Beach and telling everybody they’re going to Heaven, so don’t worry about it

• Organizing an Arabic-letter social society

• Sit-ins to protest the lack of “Welcome Back, Kotter” and “Misfits of Science” reruns on local TV

• Running around campus, randomly collecting blood from people

• Supporting the death penalty for people who drive too slow

• Letter-writing campaigns to change Boatwright Library, damn it, back to the Dewey Decimal System!

• Circulating petitions protesting the lack of an “Atlasphere” arena in the weight room

• Hanging posters proclaiming, “Pray for Revival of Spock in the next Star Trek movie”

• Writing frequent Collegian columns alerting the populace to the grave dangers posed by the Greek system and the coordinate-housing system; sit back and wait for results

• Coordinating plan to run around campus, throw arms in air, and shout, “Mortal Kombat!”

• Demonstrations in favor of frequent flossing

• Presenting a petition to the English Department demanding that the letter D now come before the letter A in the alphabet, just because it would be cool

• Selling campus dogs to local Chinese restaurants, donating proceeds to charity

• Marching on the Admissions office, demanding that ability to color between the lines, even with fat crayons, be factored into admissions decisions

• Demanding that breathalyzers be placed on all campus phones, preventing hour-long late-night drunken phone calls to old girlfriends/boyfriends in Montana

• Supporting gender equality by mandating that sorority pledges go through fraternity Hell Week, too

• Demonstrations to rouse campus support for beer

• Merging the WCGA and RCSGA to remove the administration’s main arguments for the coordinate system, bringing the school a step closer to real integration

Oops.  Sorry.  That’s a real suggestion.  I promise not to do that again.

• Changing UR Alma Mater to “We Will Rock You”

• Showing support for new president by writing “ROOP 182” on walls everywhere

• Organizing patrols to find people who don’t recycle and beating them with aluminum softball bats

• Letter-writing campaign to make football a Winter Olympic sport so the United States can win something

• Forming a volunteer firefighter company on campus

• Forming a volunteer suicide mission company on campus

• Thinking globally, acting locally, drinking heavily before writing columns

• Protesting the lack of an “E” grade

Consider it, won’t you?  Remember not to send letters, postcards, or old “A-Ha” records to:

Over-the-Cliffnotes™/Fried or Baked Chicken Fan Club

c/o The Collusion

Tighty-whitey Hanes Commons

University of Richmond, TX OU812

Good night and good vibrations.