By Jeffrey Carl
It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!
Editor’s Note: Please don’t sue us.
We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers. Well … actually, we don’t, but it sounds better if we say we do. But … lucky you! … we have space to kill, so it’s time to dip back into the reader mailbag, throw away the pizza crusts and empty Rumple Minze bottles, and pull out a lucky letter …
Dear Collegian,
How many undergraduate students realize there is an actual law school on campus? Do we appreciate the hundreds of future lawyers that pass by us daily? Can’t we do something special to recognize them for their achievement, like pillaging and burning the law school to the ground, then sowing the earth with salt?
Just wondering.
Best Wishes,
A Concerned Philosophy Major
Well, that certainly is an interesting suggestion. While The Collegian cannot officially support any such idea (The Collegian as a matter of policy does not support either armed rioting or calling pants “slacks”), the lawyer-larvae consideration is still an interesting point for discussion. Should we be happy to have these future Perry Masons, William Kunstlers, and “L. A. Law” stunt doubles among us on campus? Or should we call them bloodsuckers-in-training and order a ROTC tactical strike to wipe them out?
Well, there are no easy answers in life. On one hand, lawyer-bashing has become all the rage lately, and you don’t want to look like you’re just jumping on the band wagon by hunting them with large-caliber weapons. Furthermore, if you leave any of them alive, they could sue you.
On the other hand, the only other professions that have even remotely the same reputation for being asinine full-time are Department of Motor Vehicles workers and journalists. Yeesh. This should give you an idea of the urgency for these things to be wiped out while they are still young and vulnerable. In addition, lawyers are … well, lawyers. Since there are so many of them, they’d probably just overbreed and starve themselves. So it’s quite possible we’d be doing them a favor by getting it over with humanely by fumigating.
In fact, this would free up the building currently being used as the law school for other, more beneficial purposes:
• World’s largest Taco Bell franchise
• Special “American Gladiators”-style arena
• Squirrel refuge/petting zoo
• Sports bar
• “Six Flags Over The Ticket Lady” amusement park
• Super-cool giant maze with a princess and a half-bull half-man in the middle
• Mulch repository
• Fill hallways with shaving cream – charge people $2.50 to run through
• P. Caputo School of Followership
• O’Brien-Grossman Memorial Eternal Flame/Bar-B-Que Pit
• New University of Richmond red light district/sorority housing
• Indoor golf course — played with racquetballs
• Cheap motel for kicked-out roommates
• Fill with bricks, make triangular, place curse on, use as enormous tomb for university president
• Palestinian homeland
I notice that this discussion has been notably short on praise of the positive aspects of our future legal eagles. And there are a lot of them.
There are.
There sure are lots.
I mean, more than you can shake a stick at.
Yep.
Youuu betcha.
I’ll bet we can list some of those positive aspects, like … like …
• Well, they’re not lawyers yet.
• Some of them have cool cars
• They’re almost all over 21, so they could buy you beer if you aren’t
…and lots and lots and lots of other stuff too that, darn it, we just don’t have space to print. Now, to be fair, this probably isn’t a fully objective summary. Are all lawyers slime? Certainly not! Are most lawyers slime? Well, yes. So to be brief, the jury is still out on the idea and the whole question shouldn’t be considered an open-and-shut case. Perhaps the wanton destruction of our future lawyers would set a dangerous precedent for anarchy — the next thing you know, they’d be looting the computer labs and guillotining the biology faculty, everybody would be called “Citizen,” the National Guard would come in and shoot everybody, it would be “Breakfast at Dinner” night at the D-Hall again, and they’d almost certainly close the Row that weekend. Not a pretty picture, is it?
I didn’t think so.
Well, it seems that we’re out of space, so until next time, keep those cards and letters coming to:
Over-the-Cliffnotes Legal Defense Fund/Erik Estrada for Senate
R.C. Box #465
University of Richmond, WI. 90210