By Jeffrey Carl
Thanks to a bare modicum of writing skill and a more obvious fondness for bourbon which aligned with that of my journalism professors, my putative career advanced rapidly through my undergraduate years. I went from a practicum story writer for the University of Richmond Collegian student newspaper in my freshman year to Assistant News Editor in my sophomore year, then on to Greek Life Editor and IT Manager (I read MacWorld magazine!) in my junior year, and ultimately to Opinion Editor in my senior year.
For some reason that escapes me now, I acquired a humor column during this process at the beginning of my junior year. This column, titled “Over the Cliff Notes,” eventually ran for 22 installments and was over the course of two years was read by literally dozens of actual humans, only most of which where KA pledges I forced to do so. Its literary influence was quite literally incalculable, and I’m just going to leave it at that.
It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!
We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers. So don’t be thinkin’ we aren’t, man, ’cause if you did, well … you’d pretty much just be wrong then.
Ahem. So in the interest of all those zany youngsters out there looking for some entertainment on campus who can’t find it by hitting the sauce like the rest of us, we publish here an exhaustive and completely irresponsible guide to campus entertainment (excluding of course the aforementioned white man’s fire water) for the rest of the year.
The Collegian Compendium of Campus Weekend Entertainment (Excluding of course the Demon Rum)
KARAOKE! KARAOKE!:
The Campus Activities Board provides you with numerous ways to escape the clutches of the sinful bottle for this and every weekend through the year. And, like the old song goes, “Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of Lazer Karaoke!” Sway to the beat and get down with your bad self while your fellow students humiliate themselves by being too drunk to read the words to the song and then calmly vomiting on everyone in the first two rows.
CAB is also featuring hip new movies every weekend, including “Speed,” “Ishtar” and the Christmas classic “Hot Buttered Elves.”
OOH LÁ LA … FOREIGN MOVIES:
While some critics point out that it is almost impossible to sit through a foreign film without a few drops of “Dutch Courage” beforehand, Boatwright Library continues to provide these little cultural experiences ostensibly for those not drinking “The Devil’s Hair Tonic.”
Highlights from this year’s offerings include Jean-Paul Sartre’s “Huis Clos,” Jean-Paul Murat’s “Le Grande Fromage” and Jean-Claude van Damme’s “Buckets of Blood Pouring Out of People’s Heads.”
LOCAL MUSIC SCENE:
Contrary to popular myth, people don’t go downtown to bars to drink sweet, sweet booze. Instead, most are there to see and hear the smells of the booming Richmond music scene. Numerous groovy bands make the rounds downtown and are easy to catch: Fighting Gravity (formerly Boy-O-Boy), Schnitzel (formerly Supertramp), Spanking Monkeys, Sluts at Warp Factor Six and The Jello Turbines. One of the most popular bands, Agents of Good Roots, has recently broken up and reformed as two splinter groups: Travel Agents and Agents of Good Roop.
THEATRICS:
Our campus Weird Theatre People Dept. has served up a menu of piping-hot creamy bowlfuls of delicious, nutrient-rich entertainment for this year. This weekend, in fact, brings “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum,” with music by Stephen Sondheim. It is the story of a wily Roman slave, Pseudolus, who must unite two lovers, fool a Roman Captain, insure domestic tranquility, prove Fermat’s Theorem of isoceles equilibrium, pass a federal balanced-budget amendment, foil the creepy old man in the glowing ghost suit who is trying to scare everybody away from the amusement park so he can buy the land real cheap, convince Mr. Roper that he is gay so he can stay with Janet and Chrissie – and even remember his lines.
Pseudolus is probably my favorite character in the piece. A role of enormous variety and nuance, and played by an actor of such … let me put it this way … whoever that guy is, he’s one zany bastard.
Second semester provides another theatrical coup de grace (French for “cut the grass”) with “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead” by Tom “The Brain” Stoppard, former manager of WWF champion “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, who wrote the Broadway classic “Grease.”
Interestingly enough, “Rosencrantz” is set to feature – no foolin’ – a small gaggle of noted Collegian columnists and writers, past and present. The cast includes Rosencrantz (Branden Waugh), Guildenstern (the other title character), Paul Caputo (Scorpio), Brian C. Jones (B.C. 54? – 6 A.D.), Randy Baker (the part of “Randy” is played by the clarinet) and even Jason Roop (Chaotic/Neutral Magic User, +20 HP).
Be sure to catch the theater on the small screen in “the vile gangster Quonset the Hutt” theater located behind the Physical Plant building, in the dumpster.
Q-Hut productions slated for this year include “All in the Timing” by David Ives, “Grease™” by “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and the first part of the acclaimed “Angels in Bikinis” trilogy, “Baywatch Approaches.” Tailgates are recommended before student plays.
So don’t miss out on the action. And remember – if you’ve had even half as much fun reading this as I have had writing it, I’ve had twice as much fun as you.