by Jeffrey Carl
Thanks to a bare modicum of writing skill and a more obvious fondness for bourbon which aligned with that of my journalism professors, my putative career advanced rapidly through my undergraduate years. I went from a practicum story writer for the University of Richmond Collegian student newspaper in my freshman year to Assistant News Editor in my sophomore year, then on to Greek Life Editor and IT Manager (I read MacWorld magazine!) in my junior year, and ultimately to Opinion Editor in my senior year.
For some reason that escapes me now, I acquired a humor column during this process at the beginning of my junior year. This column, titled “Over the Cliff Notes,” eventually ran for 22 installments and was over the course of two years was read by literally dozens of actual humans, only most of which where KA pledges I forced to do so. Its literary influence was quite literally incalculable, and I’m just going to leave it at that.
It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!
We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers.
We also have a bridge to sell you.
We even-more-also have a whole new bagful of thoughtful questions sent in by curious readers like yourself.
Q: When does housing registration and room selection for next year begin?
A: You know, the biggest problem facing America today is not drugs or crime or non-alcoholic beer or even people who say “acrost.”
It is, in fact, our national short attention span. Every day folks like you or me are hindered in their daily activities by their inability to pay attention to anything for any lengthy amount of time.
Like you, for example. Yes, you. You weren’t even paying attention to that last bit, were you? Nooo, you just see a word over two syllables and you just throw it out the door and go back to snorking Cheez-Doodles™ from your roommate’s desk and thinking about that Baywatch® episode where the kid almost drowns and the woman blames David Hasselhoff (in some of his finest work since Knight Rider©) and he goes through this enormous period of angst that shows his depth as an actor which I haven’t seen the likes of since Laurence Olivier starred in Hamlet™ and it ends up that the kid survives and the woman realizes she was wrong and David Hasselhoff gets cheered up by whoserbody, the brunette one which reminds me that somebody said that Baywatch™2 is really high-budget but from the looks of it I guess they spent it all on cleavage.
So if you don’t pay attention in life, you’re going to end up in the gutter, drinking Mad Dog® and eating moldy apples and talking to yourself about Baywatch, which, interestingly enough, would in Latin be spelled “Bæwatch.” Pretty cool, huh?
So, anyway, it’s really important that you pay attention in life. I, myself, am continually being embarrassed by the fact that on an average day, at least 10 people will stroll past me and say “hi, Jeff,” or a similar acknowledgement of recognition, and I have no clue whatsoever as to who these people are.
This is perhaps simply to be explained as being one of the many areas of life that I have “no clue whatsoever” about (viz. Calculus™ and girls), but it still causes me a flurry of consternation every time this happens.
This is not to say that I don’t fully recognize a full 95 percent or even perhaps as high as 50 percent of the people I meet each day. But every time one of these phantom encounters occurs, my brain goes down like Boba Fett© into the Great Pit of Carkoon™, home of the great Sarlacc (Matthew 12:7) and I go crazy attempting to figure out what this person’s name is, where I know them from, and why the Hell they’re after me. A typical exchange:
PERSON X: Hey there, Jeff.
ME: Oh … hi-de-li-ho! [Jack? Bob? Jorge? Torvald? Yoda? … aw, Hell, better play it safe …] How have you been, guy?
PERSON X: Pretty good … those were some crazy times last weekend, eh?
ME: Yeeeeeeeeeaaaahhhhhh … [Does he work at Taco Bell? Is this my brother-in-law? Is he with the Canadian Border Police? I didn’t meet this guy in prison, did I?] Yup, they suuuure as heck were. Look, I hafta run, but say “hi” to, uh …
PERSON X: Helga and Frothgar?
ME: Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh … say “hi” to Helga and Frothgar for me. [This guy can’t be with the Feds … and I’m sure I paid my bookie last week … I think that Totally Hidden Video™ got canceled a few seasons ago … well, I’ll never see him again anyway.] Bye!
PERSON X: Buh -bye!
This is the last time I ever see Person X again until he adds in to my Tuesday-Thursday 11:15 class. So you should really learn to pay attention.
Q: Well, what is the best way to improve your memory or your attention span?
A: The worst thing is the parking situation in the apartments. How ’bout that Ticket Lady? I think she’s Hitler-riffic. But the one time in my life I want to see some heavy parking fines being doled out (to people who don’t have A-Lot stickers parking in front of my apartment so there’s no room and I have to park somewhere like Æ Lot, which is actually parking in left field of the Diamond, when the Richmond Braves aren’t playing), she’s nowhere to be found.
I mean, do they overbook parking lots like airline flights? Or is there a deeper, more sinister force at work here? I don’t know.
Anyway, you should pay attention more.