By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar
Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.
Astrologer’s Note: Okay, I’m really finished this time. You won’t have the Mysterious Professor Zoltan to kick around any more. I’m outta here. Hey – would I lie?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your money problems can be solved easily: send all of your money to me, and then you won’t have any to worry about. Remember, that address is:
Mysterious Professor Zoltan
c/o The Westmoreland News
Montross, VA 22520
Cash or money order preferred.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Share a smile with someone this week. But don’t share your toothbrush. That’s disgusting.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You know what? On the day that they covered Libras in Horoscope School, I played hooky and went to a Phillies game. Sorry.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Your lucky day for the lottery is June 23, 1993. I hope you were playing that day.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Don’t you think it’s weird that you drive on a parkway, and you park on a driveway? Yeah, well I think that’s weird, too. Oh, and some stuff will happen to you this week, also.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Orion is moving into the house of Gemini, as is Sirius. That either means that you will have a romantic weekend or that you will grow an extra head. I’m not sure which.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Take some time to relax this week. Kick back with some lemonade. Unplug the phone for a while. Shoot out the televsion if Richard Simmons is on it. Blame household messes on “those darn invisible muskrats.” Call up “Judy the Time/Life Books Operator” and ask her out. It’s okay.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): I predict that if you play for a Major League Baseball team this week, you will go on strike.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You will discover the secret formula for X-ray goggles that really work. Flushed by scientific achievement, you will go out to celebrate your discovery and the neighbors’ dog will eat all your research.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Eat more apples.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Have you ever considered just changing your birthday?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Strive for immortality this week. You know how Benjamin Franklin said that the only two certainties in life are “death and taxes?” Well, you can apply to the government for special tax-exempt status! See if you can figure out whom to apply to to get death-exempt status.
Horoscope Special:
I received a letter this week containing a bunch of green paper with “funny money” written on it and a question. This is obviously a) a disturbed individual with b) much too much free time who c) should not be allowed access to the Xerox machine. However, their question was a fair one: when will “when pigs fly” be? Here is a quick guide to this type of occurrence:
When pigs fly: April 9, 1991. I hope you were watching that day, because they did.
When the cows come home: Duh. At dinner-time.
When Hell freezes over: Next March 7th.
When the Cubs win the pennant: October 12, 2639.
When Westmoreland News horoscopes are funny: Good luck.