By the Mysterious Professor Zoltar
Working at the Westmoreland News in 1994 was the best summer job I ever had. I worked for peanuts and had a two hour drive each way from Richmond, but I got to do it all at a small county newspaper where I was a reporter, feature writer, copy editor, layout editor and photographer (because there was nobody else to do those things). Best of all the paper’s editor, Lynn Norris, gave me the freedom to write whatever I wanted – way more journalistic and comedic freedom than anyone should rightly give a know-it-all 21-year-old writing for a weekly in the deeply rural Northern Neck of Virginia.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This is a week to explore your really wild side. Consider getting a super-size Grand Poobah Meal at McDonald’s this week instead of the regular size.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You really should donate some money to a good cause this week. One good cause, for example, is me. So send lots and lots of cash to:
Mysterious Professor Zoltan
c/o The Westmoreland News
Montross, VA. 22520
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): A stranger will tell you that you look like a movie star this week. Unfortunately, they’re talking about the monster in Vortag the Slag Creature, but it’s the thought that counts. Avoid Geminis and avoid ever admitting that you used to have the Richard Simmons’ Sweating to the Oldies videocassettes.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): This would be a good week to give up that old glue-sniffing habit. Be careful around volatile Libras and high-explosives testing sites. Avoid high-cholesterol foods and grumpy people with shotguns this week.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Some stuff will happen to you this week.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Take time to remember your loved ones this week. If nobody loves you, then never mind. If there’s someone who has dumped you and you miss them, then aim lower next time.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): This is a special week for you financially: if you keep your eyes peeled and your nose to the ground and you follow up on a special hint given to you this week … you’ll lose your shirt and end up lying in the middle of the road drinking cheap wine and telling everybody that the squirrels are talking to you.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Did you know the scientific process used to make these horoscopes? Psychic Astrologers like myself have mystic dart boards, covered with star signs. We make up forecasts, throw the darts, and whatever star sign the dart lands in gets that horoscope. Seriously. Jeanne Dixon does it all the time.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Your divorce from Catherine of Aragorn this week will cause great distress in the kingdom. Seek to found an Anglican church by allying with the German princes protesting Pope Innocent VII’s power over the Holy Roman Emperor and his political domination of the Bourbon aristocracy in France. Also remember to get a haircut.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): This is a bad week for financial dealings. This is also a bad week for arguing with loved ones or even unloved ones. In fact, this is going to be a just plain stinky week all the way around. Give up and go back to bed.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Look on the bright side. You’re not an Aquarius. And that Mickey Mantle card you thought you lost could turn up in an old copy of Playboy you thought your Mom threw away 20 years ago.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Do you ever wonder if trees can dream? Then you have too much free time. Get a life this week. Avoid Pisces and drinking moldy eggnog.