By Jeffrey Carl
It occurs to me now that topical humor from college campuses nearly 30 years ago does not age well. I’m sure it was absolutely hilarious at the time, though. Enjoy!
Editor’s Note: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
We here at The Collegian pride ourselves on being responsive to our readers. We also wear big floppy shoes, and have green scales and three noses. The point of all this being that we are committed to bringing the valuable Truth to our readers in a timely fashion and all that crap.
This year, the Scholastic Aptitude Test, the SAT taken by you and everybody else in the room except for that guy over there with the blue backpack who snuck in by saying he was an exchange student from Venus, has been revised, with long-form answers and essays. The Collegian has managed to get some test examples and presents them here as a fun test to see if you could do as well on the new SAT as you did on the old one. Answers are at the bottom. Cheating may be reported to the Honor Council. Number Two pencils only. Feel free to vomit afterwards.
1994 SKELLASTIC APTITUDE TEST
PART ONE: VOCABULARY
Relationships
1. Fish is to water as golf club is to:
a. course b. smog monster c. dung beetle d. Jason Roop
2. Engine is to train as motor is to:
a. minty-fresh breath b. Aerosmith Girl c. automobile d. small dogs
Antonyms
1. Crunchy
a. superfluous b. supercalafragilisticexpealadocious c. antidisestablismentarian d. bong
2. Excruciating
a. kooky b. fudge-a-licious c. ‘Much better than Cats’ d. worse than the last two seasons of ‘Saturday Night Live’
PART TWO: HISTORY
Modern History
1. When Greg wiped out in the surfing competition in Hawaii, it was because
a. he had a small forbidden Tiki doll b. Marsha had given him bad acid c. he was troubled over his ‘fling’ with Alice d. perhaps the Holy Spirit had convicted him of sin
2. When Kimberly’s hair turned green right before the big banquet, it was because
a. Willis and Arnold were trying to poison her b. she was going ‘punk’ and was about to tell Mr. Drummond about her lover in the Black Panthers c. she washed her hair in acid rain d. she was troubled over her ‘fling’ with Mrs. Garrett from ‘Facts of Life’
Ancient History
1. When Lucy and Ethel got the job at the chocolate factory, they got in trouble because
a. it’s just kooky how things work out like that b. Ethel was distributing Communist propaganda on her lunch break c. the conveyor was moving too fast d. Lucy was stoned off her ass
2. When Roadrunner got away, Wile E. Coyote would always
a. break down and cry tears of rage and sorrow b. write a letter to the editor protesting it c. fall off a cliff d. go on a killing spree in McDonald’s
PART THREE: READING COMPREHENSION
Story #1
Lord Baden-Powell formed the Boy Scouts in 1892, wanting to give the youth of England a way to explore the outdoors. By 1900, more than 6,000 young men had joined the Scouts and were merrily exploring the countryside and occasionally going “wilding.” American-born Daisy Low met Baden-Powell in 1911 and decided to form the Girl Guides, modeled almost precisely after the Boy Scouts except for not giving out “Putting out a fire by peeing on it” merit badges.
1. Who founded the Boy Scouts?
2. When was the Girl Guides founded?
3. Who founded Pedophiles Anonymous?
4. Who was the last person to hit .400 in the American League?
5. Is it ‘liquor before beer, never fear’ or ‘beer before booze, never lose?’
Story #2
Trevor grabbed Buffy and held her sweaty, firm body against his. They played tonsil-tag with wild abandon as their bared flesh pressed together. Her eyes darted wildy as he exposed his pulsating masculinity and she shuddered in delight. She ripped off his torn “Hulkamania” T-shirt and whispered playfully her desire to share in his man-seed.
1. What were Trevor and Buffy doing?
2. What year was the Boy Scouts founded?
3. What issue of “Penthouse Forum” did this appear in?
4. What time do the liquor stores around here close?
5. Did you know that attaching a $20 bill to this test with a paper clip will get you into college?
PART FOUR: ESSAY
Answer in complete sentences. Be specific: use specific examples. Penmanship counts.
Question #1: 90210ax2 + 2001b3xy + 666c6b2x = √867-5309 (Jenny) – 3 shiny bottlecaps
Question #2: What year was the Boy Scouts founded in?
PART FIVE: EXTRA CREDIT
1. Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
ANSWERS:
Look, if you’ve read this far, you’ve got way too much free time. Get a life. Answers? Look, if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you. Suck it up.